Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Don't act like you know me

So let's talk about one of my pet peeves here for a minute. Let's talk about makeup. Most, if not ALL of my guy friends agree that girls look prettier without makeup covering their natural beauty. I totally agree. But just because a girl wears makeup doesn't mean that she doesn't like the way she looks without it. In my personal situation, if you see me wearing makeup, it's a good thing. It means I'm happy that day. It means I'm feeling good enough about myself to look in the mirror and just play up my image a little. If I haven't bothered to do my hair or wash my face or put on clothes that look decent, then I'm depressed. I can go out without makeup and be happy, for sure. But don't assume that because I wear makeup, I'm uncomfortable with my appearance. I know I can be pretty either way. Maybe I just like playing with makeup!

One of the most annoying things is when people try and act like they know how you feel or what you're thinking when they obviously don't. Usually this only happens to me with people I've just barely met. It annoys the crap out of me when people pretend to know what's going through my head. Acting like you can read me like an open book is a joke. Stop trying to be all cocky and cool. You're not impressing me. There are times when my own friends don't know how I'm feeling. I'm so good at hiding. Don't act like you can peer into my head when you've known me for barely a day. People are so pretentious these days it's disgusting. Stop pretending. Be yourself. It's so much more attractive.

- Grace

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Story Time?

So. Haven't posted in a couple days. Not like it matters, I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyways haha. Can't think of too much to talk about, actually. Work is the same as always. It's my home away from home. I love the people there, and I love the atmosphere. I was actually there today even though it's my day off. Love it. <3

So, since this topic actually got brought up today with a friend of mine, I might as well post some stuff about it. We were talking about dreams, and I just got to remembering some of the dreams I've had in the past. Good ones, bad ones, weird ones. The only ones I remember are usually the more detailed and vivid ones. It's weird how you just feel things in your dreams. Sensations of your body moving in a certain way, and also emotions that are apparently lying there in your subconscious. This one dream I had recently turned out really cool, actually. I was in the kickball/baseball field of my elementary school with one of my friends (possibly my bestie, I can't remember for sure), and a mountain lion came out of nowhere. We ran from it, but couldn't get very far. Somewhere in the dream, I figured out how to glide into the air. I stepped forward and pushed off of the air really hard with my foot, and I would just propel myself upwards a ways, and then take another step off the air to get even higher. So it was like flying... but not. Walking on air. It felt really cool, haha. Another one where I can remember physically feeling something was a dream where I was walking to school in the morning, and it was grey out. Like it was going to rain soon. I get to the end of my street, and these giant (I'm talking house-sized) wolves (two or three) come bounding out of nowhere, and start chasing me. I take off at a run, and I distinctly remember feeling that grip of the friction between the asphalt and my shoe as I started running. I had a dream in junior high once that the school year was ending, and I hugged my then-crush goodbye, and he kissed me on the cheek. I swear I felt it. I've woken up in the middle of the night at least once before, because I felt like someone kissed me. It's weird how brains work. One of my favorite dreams is also one of my shortest dreams and one of the most simple. Basically, my vision fades in to the sight before me: It's me, but I'm older. Not old-old. Late-twenties, maybe. I'm sitting on my knees on the floor, but I'm unfocused. It's just white and blurry around me, and you can't even see my face. Like a zoomed in photograph that's not very sharp. Why? Because the focus is on the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. Sitting in my lap. My daughter. I just know it's my daughter. She's maybe two or three years old. This dream is only a couple seconds long as I remember it, but it was filled with the most overwhelming feeling of love and hope. I don't know why I love that dream so much. But I do. <3

Well I'm feeling kind of tired now, actually. Time to do some more dreaming? :)

- Grace

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Roller Blades

"See you with a broken string, tell me what you really mean. Do you know what you want?"
Seems like I'm surrounded by people who don't know what they want. Yeah that's pretty common, but you not being able to figure out what it is you want should not affect me so greatly. I kind of thought back on this subject a lot today. Not necessarily in a bad way. There were people who said they really cared for me. This one guy (gonna call him 'jpeg' it seems to fit haha), supposedly cared a lot for me for like...a year or two. He was there for me, and I knew how he felt. I didn't feel the same way, and he knew that. I tried my best not to mislead him. He apparently would talk about me to other people, in the sense that he really liked me/loved me/whatever, which sometimes I found flattering, but most other times I felt really bad that I couldnt' feel the same way for him. Part of it was just the fact that, a lot of the time, he wasn't a very nice person. He was nice when it had good outcomes for him. But there were multiple times where he disprespected me and absolutely refused to own up to it or even acknowledge it. He always acted like he cared and always told me how much he hated when I was sad. Maybe that was true, but it seems like he turned around on people so easily. At the same time he had this crush or whatever you'd like to call it on me, he was telling girls he didn't even know that he loved them. Who knows which way he meant it at the time, but they all believed he loved-loved them. Yet when I would ask him about them, he'd say something like "Oh I just meant I loved her as a sister, if she doesn't get that, she's stupid." It made me mad, I talked to these girls too, I was friends with them. To see him just kind of toss them aside was disgusting. I recently learned that the one he's currently 'dating' has been dumped by him multiple times because at those times, he thought he had a chance with me. Because I was either having issues with my boyfriend, or we had broken up... whatever. In any case it wasn't right for him to just use these girls as a substitute while he supposedly was waiting for a chance with me. This makes me sound so conceited lol. But from what I've heard, I was his whole world. But he doesn't know what he wants. So I stopped talking to him. Because he does more damage than he thinks. He hasn't made an effort to try and talk to me, so I'm assuming he's over it. Which is probably a good thing. He had it in his head that I was this perfect girl, which obviously I'm not. It would have just been a letdown for us to have ever dated, so thank God we didn't.

The only issue I've really had so far with being broken up from my boyfriend is other boys. Like, suddenly some of them want to talk to me. Or once they've found out I'm single they start acting different than they normally would. Some of them start inappropriate conversations with me, and I'll admit, when I'm feeling isolated and alone, it's hard to resist joining in. But I'm not going to be treated like a toy or a piece of meat. It's honestly really depressing sometimes feeling like some people only want to talk to you because you're single. Where were they before? It doesn't really help self esteem.

I guess the other issue at this point in time would be the fact that if I'm reminded of my ex-boyfriend, I feel bitterness. Not enough that it really bugs me, but enought that I'm uncomfortable. I'll see something he gave me, something he made me, and I get this little tiny burning of hate in my stomach. Because I was hurt. Because I let him hurt me. I defended him. He held things over my head: ridiculous expectations, past mistakes, words I wished I could take back. I punished myself harshly for those things. I spent days crying because I didn't know how to please him. I wanted so badly for the relationship to work. I tried so hard to make him happy. It didn't last. I blamed myself. Eventually, he let me. Every time we had problems, my friends would tell me it wasn't worth it, he was in the wrong. I defended him. I made up excuses for him. All the while, behind my back, he was saying things to my own friends about me. I felt like I didn't know him anymore. I guess I don't. Some days I wish I could get back at him. An eye for an eye. But my logical mind tells me to leave it be, because it won't help. It just hurts realizing how much he hurt me, and how much of it I just ... didn't see. I try to talk about it with my friends, how much I missed during the relationship. No one seems to quite get it. After he dumped me in October, I felt more than just rejected. I felt unloved. Unwanted. We got back together, but I didn't fully trust him. He expected that, but then didn't really have the patience for me to piece myself back together.

There are days recently where I feel great because I don't have to worry about him anymore. But then some days I worry talking to my guy friends. Just because I've always craved that acceptance. I know I'm a great girl. I know I am. I'm not perfect, no. But I have a lot to give. And it just baffles me when some of my friends don't seem to see ... me. This is me. I'm caring, I'm compassionate. I like to help people. I'm decently intelligent, I'm very intuitive when it comes to human emotions. I'm very logical and mature when the situation demands it. I love my friends more than they know. Why do I feel so ashamed telling myself how amazing I actually can be? What's conditioned me to just dislike myself and tell myself negative things? My relationship certainly didn't help, but it wasn't the cause.

I'm definitely complicated. I'm working on figuring myself out, though. Trying to let go of what needs to be lost. Trying to find what needs to be found.

"While beatin' up on yesterday, I was on my roller blades. Rollin' on, movin' on."

- Grace

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Oh Whoopee

So. Blogging. I'm quite new to this. Not unused to venting and ranting, however. So I think I'll be okay. I feel like I should explain the ridiculously simple meaning behind the title of my blog. All my life I expected myself to be perfect. Others started to expect it. I failed to be perfect. I'm accepting it. Others ... are still working on that. My name means grace. So ta-dah. Perfectly Imperfect Grace. A blog about myself. How cliche and self-centered, right? I just need an outlet. Here it is. Feel free to read.

Today! Was one of the best days I've had in a while. I've had a lot of issues in the past couple months. My long-distance boyfriend dumped me in October. Then two weeks later begged to get back together. Held high expectations and past mistakes over my head. I let him. Then. The day after Christmas. He got upset at something really small. Made it huge. Made it ginormous. I dumped him. We're done. Stress level is no longer over 9000.

Work definitely helps. I'm a barista at Starbucks. Oh yes. I am one of those happy peppy females you are greeted by the moment you walk in the door of your local cafe for your morning cup of coffee. It really is the best, though. My particular store is like my home away from home. Everyone there treats each other like family. We care for each other and we're honest and trusting. It's a really awesome environment. As much as I hate it when snobby caffeine deprived customers come in to condescend and belittle my job in very small but backhanded ways, there are some really great people who come in. I have favorites, oh yes. I know them by name, I know what they do, I know their usuals. I never thought I would get into something like that, but I have and I love it. It means a lot to me to be able to change someone's day even the smallest bit just by doing the simplest thing: Making sure I spell their name right on their drink, smiling, bantering, asking how they're doing, remembering things they've told me. It's awesome. Enough mush about work.

One of the things I've been struggling with lately is the fact that, now that I'm getting older and moving on, so are all my childhood friends. It's hard when I try to make contact with them and keep the friendship alive, but they don't seem to want to make an effort to stay friends with me. It's hard for me to let that go. Friends are my whole world. Possibly because I crave acceptance. If I feel like one of my friends really doesn't like me that much, or is annoyed by me, or just plain doesn't really like me, it bothers the crap out of me. I can't just let go of it like some people can. I care too much. If I don't have friends who accept me, I feel like maybe I won't be able to accept myself. I need that acknowledgment, that reassurance. I'm getting better at living without it. But it still affects me a little too much. Anyway. I talked to one of my old buddies from a while back today. He misses talking to me as much as I've missed talking to him, which is great to hear. He just moved though, so there's not a huge chance we'll be able to hang out together any time soon. But just knowing that he still wants to be close friends with me, makes a huge difference. I'm really grateful.

Well you've taken a small peek into my awkward, rambling, not too interesting mind. Today was a good day, so not a lot of drama nor odd occurrences to report. Maybe some other time.