Roller Blades

"See you with a broken string, tell me what you really mean. Do you know what you want?"
Seems like I'm surrounded by people who don't know what they want. Yeah that's pretty common, but you not being able to figure out what it is you want should not affect me so greatly. I kind of thought back on this subject a lot today. Not necessarily in a bad way. There were people who said they really cared for me. This one guy (gonna call him 'jpeg' it seems to fit haha), supposedly cared a lot for me for like...a year or two. He was there for me, and I knew how he felt. I didn't feel the same way, and he knew that. I tried my best not to mislead him. He apparently would talk about me to other people, in the sense that he really liked me/loved me/whatever, which sometimes I found flattering, but most other times I felt really bad that I couldnt' feel the same way for him. Part of it was just the fact that, a lot of the time, he wasn't a very nice person. He was nice when it had good outcomes for him. But there were multiple times where he disprespected me and absolutely refused to own up to it or even acknowledge it. He always acted like he cared and always told me how much he hated when I was sad. Maybe that was true, but it seems like he turned around on people so easily. At the same time he had this crush or whatever you'd like to call it on me, he was telling girls he didn't even know that he loved them. Who knows which way he meant it at the time, but they all believed he loved-loved them. Yet when I would ask him about them, he'd say something like "Oh I just meant I loved her as a sister, if she doesn't get that, she's stupid." It made me mad, I talked to these girls too, I was friends with them. To see him just kind of toss them aside was disgusting. I recently learned that the one he's currently 'dating' has been dumped by him multiple times because at those times, he thought he had a chance with me. Because I was either having issues with my boyfriend, or we had broken up... whatever. In any case it wasn't right for him to just use these girls as a substitute while he supposedly was waiting for a chance with me. This makes me sound so conceited lol. But from what I've heard, I was his whole world. But he doesn't know what he wants. So I stopped talking to him. Because he does more damage than he thinks. He hasn't made an effort to try and talk to me, so I'm assuming he's over it. Which is probably a good thing. He had it in his head that I was this perfect girl, which obviously I'm not. It would have just been a letdown for us to have ever dated, so thank God we didn't.

The only issue I've really had so far with being broken up from my boyfriend is other boys. Like, suddenly some of them want to talk to me. Or once they've found out I'm single they start acting different than they normally would. Some of them start inappropriate conversations with me, and I'll admit, when I'm feeling isolated and alone, it's hard to resist joining in. But I'm not going to be treated like a toy or a piece of meat. It's honestly really depressing sometimes feeling like some people only want to talk to you because you're single. Where were they before? It doesn't really help self esteem.

I guess the other issue at this point in time would be the fact that if I'm reminded of my ex-boyfriend, I feel bitterness. Not enough that it really bugs me, but enought that I'm uncomfortable. I'll see something he gave me, something he made me, and I get this little tiny burning of hate in my stomach. Because I was hurt. Because I let him hurt me. I defended him. He held things over my head: ridiculous expectations, past mistakes, words I wished I could take back. I punished myself harshly for those things. I spent days crying because I didn't know how to please him. I wanted so badly for the relationship to work. I tried so hard to make him happy. It didn't last. I blamed myself. Eventually, he let me. Every time we had problems, my friends would tell me it wasn't worth it, he was in the wrong. I defended him. I made up excuses for him. All the while, behind my back, he was saying things to my own friends about me. I felt like I didn't know him anymore. I guess I don't. Some days I wish I could get back at him. An eye for an eye. But my logical mind tells me to leave it be, because it won't help. It just hurts realizing how much he hurt me, and how much of it I just ... didn't see. I try to talk about it with my friends, how much I missed during the relationship. No one seems to quite get it. After he dumped me in October, I felt more than just rejected. I felt unloved. Unwanted. We got back together, but I didn't fully trust him. He expected that, but then didn't really have the patience for me to piece myself back together.

There are days recently where I feel great because I don't have to worry about him anymore. But then some days I worry talking to my guy friends. Just because I've always craved that acceptance. I know I'm a great girl. I know I am. I'm not perfect, no. But I have a lot to give. And it just baffles me when some of my friends don't seem to see ... me. This is me. I'm caring, I'm compassionate. I like to help people. I'm decently intelligent, I'm very intuitive when it comes to human emotions. I'm very logical and mature when the situation demands it. I love my friends more than they know. Why do I feel so ashamed telling myself how amazing I actually can be? What's conditioned me to just dislike myself and tell myself negative things? My relationship certainly didn't help, but it wasn't the cause.

I'm definitely complicated. I'm working on figuring myself out, though. Trying to let go of what needs to be lost. Trying to find what needs to be found.

"While beatin' up on yesterday, I was on my roller blades. Rollin' on, movin' on."

- Grace